A fool and his money are soon partying.
Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.
If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
How can there be self-help groups?
I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.
Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'
It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
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