A Yuppie is someone who believes it's courageous to eat in a restaurant that hasn't been reviewed yet.
We all know that America is the worst country in the world, except for all the others.
People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.
Most people past college age are not atheists. It's too hard to be in society, for one thing. Because you don't get any days off. And if you're an agnostic you don't know whether you get them off or not.
Obama says his recreation consists of reading the Constitution... looking for a loophole.
Nixon's the kind of guy that if you were drowning fifty feet off shore, he'd throw you a thirty foot rope. Then Kissinger would go on TV the next night and say that the President had met you more than half-way.
I watched Ken Burns' Civil War series on PBS. My favorite segment is when Bob Hope entertains the troops at Gettysburg.
I found people looked better when they laughed
Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he ran unopposed he would have lost.
If you can't join them, beat them.
We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children? Well, she and I were.
Everything I tell you is true, but this is factual.
My whole life is a movie. It's just that there are no dissolves. I have to live every agonizing moment of it. My life needs editing.
A conservative doesn't want anything to happen for the first time; a liberal feels it should happen, but not now.
I took benzedrine - I got clairvoyance. With benzedrine you can have a very wide view of the world, like you can decide the destiny of man and other pressing problems, such as which is the left sock?
you don't know what you think unless you say it.
You know me, I love lost causes.
I went to computer class with my Dell and I was bullied by a guy with a Mac.
New book on Malcolm X says we don't know how he was killed. Want to bring in the FBI. Maybe they were in already.
I used to go out with actresses and other female impersonators.
What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas - except the drone.
A political satirist's job is to draw blood. I'm not so much interested in politics as I am in overthrowing the government.
Those who the gods would make rich and famous on TV, they first drive mad.
Remember when movies were just good or bad, before auteurs, film festivals, and guys from USC who were the first to shoot underwater?
I never met a man I didn't like until I met Will Rogers.
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