I hate patriotism... I can't stand it. It's a round world last time I checked.
I have something to tell you non-smokers that I know for a fact that you don't know, and I feel it's my duty to pass on information at all times. Ready?. . . . Non-smokers die every day . . . Enjoy your evening. See, I know that you entertain this eternal life fantasy because you've chosen not to smoke, but let me be the 1st to POP that bubble and bring you hurling back to reality . . . You're dead too.
The American dream is a crock. Stop wanting everything. Everyone should wear jeans and have three T-shirts, eat rice and beans.
I'm a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day.
I love talking about the Kennedy assassination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it.
England, where no one has guns: 14 deaths. United States...23,000 deaths from handguns. But - there's no connection.
The role of the comedian is to say 'Wait a minute' when a consensus starts to form.
They believe the bible is the exact word of God - Then they change the bible! Pretty presumptuous, hu huh? "I think what God meant to say..."
The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love. That's the message we're brought up with, isn't it? Believe or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options.
Pot is a better drug than alcohol. I'll prove it to you. You're at a ball game or a concert, and someone's really violent and agressive and obnoxious, are they drunk or are they smoking pot?
As long as one person lives in darkness then it seems to be a responsibility to tell other people.
We are losing the 'War on Drugs,' which means there's a war going on and people on drugs are winning it.
I saw...a kid on a leash. You seen these people? Kid on a leash? How horrible. Put him in the pound where he belongs.
Just one thing I know for sure, chicks dig jerks.
The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one.
I used to drink, I did, I had to quit. Man, I was an embarrassing drunk. I'd get pulled over by the cops, I'd be so drunk I'd be out dancing to their lights thinking I'd made it to another club.
It's hard to have a relationship in this business...it's gonna take a very special woman...or a bunch of average ones.
You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know during the Persian Gulf war those intelligence reports would come out: "Iraq: incredible weapons - incredible weapons." How do you know that? "Uh, well... we looked at the receipts."
You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day". Yeah, looks like He rushed it
The war on drugs to me is absolutely phoney, its so obviously phoney, ok? It's a war against our civil rights, that's all it is. They're using it to make us afraid to go out at night, afraid of each other, so that we lock ourselves in our homes and they get suspending our rights one by one.
I...am an evolved being who deals solely with the source of light...in all of us in our own minds. No middleman required.
Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.
Life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves.
I smoke to fill the potholes in my soul
Do I have a message? Yes, I do. Here's my message: as scary as the world is – and it is – it is merely a ride ...
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