Radical historians now the tell the story of Thanksgiving from the point of view of the turkey.
Regret leads to overeating and naps.
Anyone who feels like a fool has made a good beginning.
As night falls, every joy glows brighter.
Self-realization is a comedown from salvation, but still gives us something to hope for.
Aphorisms are not true or false, but pointed or flat.
Finding a thought for an aphorism is not hard. Putting a kink in its tail is the hard part.
Aphorisms have never seduced anybody, but they have fooled some into considering themselves worldly-wise.
If I want my time wasted, I'll waste it myself.
Health foods make promises that only the Second Coming could fulfill.
As I review my life, I feel I must have missed the point, either then or now.
A sure cure for boredom: fast until you are ravenous.
One eventually has enough even of oneself.
Living too long exacts a painful price.
Dieting is our last tie with asceticism.
Never invite to dinner: those who won't decide until the last minute; those who come more than half an hour late; those who want to bring along two or three friends; drunks; monologists; those who stay until three o'clock in the morning; those who think that conversation means having an argument; those who take a high moral tone; those who are stupid, ugly, or dull. Enforcement of these rules will enable one to eat alone every night in comfort.
The Simple Life is not a simple life.
Illusions are hazardous, and so are disillusions.
Alcohol postpones anxiety, then multiplies it.
Everyone fears and courts his own demon.
The bathroom scale knows nothing of extenuating circumstances.
Contempt for others, like masturbation, is best as a secret pleasure.
Acknowledge your limitations or they will tyrannize over you.
I am interested in a hundred things, but only slightly.
My regimen is lust and avarice for exercise, gluttony and sloth for relaxation.
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