Optimist – A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.
REASON, n. Propensitate of prejudice.
Wit - the salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.
Dog - a kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world's worship.
URBANITY, n. The kind of civility that urban observers ascribe to dwellers in all cities but New York. Its commonest expression is heard in the words, "I beg your pardon," and it is not consistent with disregard of the rights of others.
TARIFF, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.
A lottery is a tax on stupidity.
Electricity is the power that causes all natural phenomena not known to be caused by something else
PAIN, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another.
The circus a place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.
Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.
PRESIDENT, n. The leading figure in a small group of men of whom - and of whom only - it is positively known that immense numbers of their countrymen did not want any of them for President.
ULTIMATUM, n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions.
Here's to woman! Would that we could fold into her arms without falling into her hands.
REALISM, n. The art of depicting nature as it is seem by toads. The charm suffusing a landscape painted by a mole, or a story written by a measuring-worm.
Labor is one of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
ADMINISTRATION, n. An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to receive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president. A man of straw, proof against bad-egging and dead-catting.
Age, with his eyes in the back of his head, thinks it wisdom to see the bogs through which he has floundered.
Ambidextrous, adj.: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
Definition: CONNOISSEUR, n. A specialist who knows everything about something and nothing about anything else.
ENOUGH, pro. All there is in the world if you like it.
CLOCK, n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him.
Patriotism, n. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name. In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit it is the first.
PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.
WAR, n. A by-product of the arts of peace. The most menacing political condition is a period of international amity.
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