Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoir has come out. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you, too, will want to sleep with an intern.
Maria Shriver is credited with helping Arnold win by standing by him despite allegations of groping. She had to stand by him cause Arnold had a vice grip on her left ass cheek.
John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle.
John Kerry announced his plan for how to handle those poor naked prisoners. His wife is going to buy them all a $1,000 Armani suit.
John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq.
This is so weird. I saw the new John Kerry campaign commercial and he says, 'I'm John Kerry and I approve of this message - if I have one.'
Clinton said he feels safe in Harlem. It's the only place in the state Hillary is scared to look for him after dark.
I pride myself on being down-to-earth. I’m from the Midwest. People who go into show business are screwed up. I romanticized about having a serene life.
Critics say Arnold has no previous government experience, but advisers say he's clearly the most qualified Austrian, ex-Mr. Universe in the race.
Comedy doesn't always have to come from a dark place.
As John Kerry sails toward the Democratic nomination, new questions are emerging about President Bush's service in the National Guard, like where he was for six months in 1972 and why he refused to take a routine physical. President Bush has vowed to get to the bottom of this right after Election Day.
Ironically, the possibility that the president dodged his military service has increased his approval ratings with Democrats by 80 percent.
President Bush is in the hot seat over Iraqi pre-war intelligence. Remember the good ol' days when the only thing the president was trying to cover up was a stain?
George W. Bush even stopped in Pennsylvania to try his hand at the lotto and gave up when he could only think of the numbers 4 and 17
The places I've worked in the past, I always stayed three years and moved on.
President Bush is not fazed by other candidates' war records. He said, I may have not fought in Vietnam, but I created one.
Bryant Gumbel is thrilled about his CBS deal and can't wait to start alienating the staff of an entirely new network.
I always tell people I romanticize about doing something simple, like doing radio in northern California.
I think that you're always going to have some people who are negative or view you in a certain way.
I don't want to scare anybody here but we just received word from police that Howard Dean is loose and may be armed with a microphone.
Howard Dean is narrowing the field of potential running mates. It's down to Mike Tyson or Bobby Knight.
Larry Flynt, running for governor of California. His goal - change our state bird to the spread eagle.
California's economy is declining so rapidly that candidates are asking 'Are you better off now then you were four minutes ago?'
There has been no electricity in Baghdad for a week and the people are angry. You would be angry too if you couldn't watch your brand new stolen TV.
Our top story, in 'Threat Matrix Reloaded' news ... Attorney General John Ashcroft and FBI Director Robert Muller held a press conference today to announce that Al Qaeda is planning attacks somewhere inside the United States at sometime in the future. So go about your normal lives, but with a vague sense of foreboding.
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