I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"
The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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