Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony.
There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them.
England and America should scrap cricket and baseball and come up with a new game that they both can play. Like baseball, for example.
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
The only cure for a real hangover is death.
It was one of those plays in which all of the actors unfortunately enunciated very clearly.
The ideal age for a boy to own a dog is between forty-five and fifty.
Most personal correspondence of today consists of letters the first half of which are given over to an indexed statement of why the writer hasn't written before, followed by one paragraph of small talk, with the remainder devoted to reasons why it is imperative that the letter be brought to a close.
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
Consider the number of young people all over the world who are getting married, day in and day out, for no other reason than thatsomeone of the opposite sex looks well in a green jersey or sings baritone, and then tell me that divorce has reached menacing proportions. The surface of divorce has not even been scratched yet.
You want to go easy on the suicide stuff - first thing you know, you'll ruin your health.
Traveling with children corresponds roughly to traveling third class in Bulgaria.
There is a note in the front of the volume saying that no public reading may be given without first getting the author's permission. It ought to be made much more difficult to do than that.
You might think that after thousands of years of coming up too soon and getting frozen, the crocus family would have had a little sense knocked into it.
But ice-crunching and loud gum-chewing, together with drumming on tables, and whistling the same tune 70 times in succession, because they indicate an indifference on the part of the perpetrator to the rest of the world in general, are not only registered on the delicate surfaces of the brain but eat little holes in it until it finally collapses or blows up.
Central Park is the grandiose symbol of the front yard each child in New York hasn't got.
There is probably no more obnoxious class of citizen, taken end for end, than the returning vacationist.
A great many people have come up to me and asked how I manage to get so much work done and still keep looking so dissipated.
The knocking out of a pipe can be made almost as important as the smoking of it, especially if there are nervous people in the room. A good, smart knock of a pipe against a tin wastebasket and you will have a neurasthenic out of his chair and into the window sash in no time.
You won't find one fish in a million that has enough sense to come in when it rains.
Sheer madness is, of course, the highest possible brow in humor.
Great literature must spring from an upheaval in the author's soul. If that upheaval is not present then it must come from the works of any other author which happens to be handy and easily adapted.
New York - The city where the people from Oshkosh look at the people from Dubuque in the next theater seats and say "These New Yorkers don't dress any better than we do.
If you are one of the hewers of wood and drawers of small weekly paychecks, your letters will have to contain some few items of news or they will be accounted dry stuff.... But if you happen to be of a literary turn of mind, or are, in any way, likely to become famous, you may settle down to an afternoon of letter-writing on nothing more sprightly in the way of news than the shifting of the wind from south to south-east.
Infants need the most sleep, and, what is more, get it. Stunning them with a soft, padded hammer is the best way to insure their getting it at the right times.
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