Tommy Cooper Quotes - Page 2

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• So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, House

  7 Copy quote

• I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Sorry, Humor

  7 Copy quote

• Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Night

  111 Copy quote

• My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Night

  8 Copy quote

• Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Couple, Humor

  24 Copy quote

• I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Dog, Humor

  31 Copy quote

• A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Bars

  17 Copy quote

• Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Two

  11 Copy quote

• A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

  Tommy Cooper

  Strong, Bowls, Mines

  15 Copy quote

• It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humorous, Library

  10 Copy quote

• So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Turtles

  5 Copy quote

• So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".

  Tommy Cooper

  Kings, Men, Light

  9 Copy quote

• My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Dog, Humor

  5 Copy quote

• I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.

  Tommy Cooper

  Mountain, Tails, Ends

  21 Copy quote

• I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Horse, Humor

  7 Copy quote

• A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Men

  13 Copy quote

• And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, People

  10 Copy quote

• Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.” “Well you can't say fairer than that then

  Tommy Cooper

  Doctors, Wells, I Can

  16 Copy quote

• I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Cheese Sandwiches

  8 Copy quote

• A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.

  Tommy Cooper

  Men, Iron, Bars

  7 Copy quote

• Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Gun

  7 Copy quote

• Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Two

  7 Copy quote

• He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Book, Humor

  7 Copy quote

• And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Airplane, Humor

  5 Copy quote

• So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Paris

  4 Copy quote

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